Which Kid Are You Raising?
I used to think pushy parents were reserved for raising beauty pageant kids or spelling bee champions. Nowadays it seems all parents are pretty hyper-particular when it comes to force fitting their children into certain categories—and the good kid isn’t always what they’re aiming for.
Dissecting the parenting tendencies within your family, social circles, school, neighborhood, work, and religious groups, makes it pretty obvious how differently people are raising their children. Common parenting goals aren’t always shared amongst the closest of acquaintances. Some parents don’t even realize which category they’re nudging their children into until way too far down the road (take, for example, the regretful parent of The Party Kid). Other parents knowingly have one prominent goal for their child—and go to great lengths to ensure the child grows up to be exactly whom they envision (think, super controlling stage parents). Then there are the parents who start with one goal for their child, and re-route him or her down a different path each time a new social trend comes along, (a.k.a., the parents of The Green Kid or The Missionary).
To better explain this purely entertaining and hypothetical exercise, let’s take a gander at a few categories into which some kids are unknowingly being steered:
The Good Kid: Most recently borrowed from the Baby Boomer Generation and all generations before it, the goal of raising The Good Kid used to be the norm. The Good Kid treats everyone the same, from every walk of life. The Good Kid uses proper etiquette with strangers, and has a conscience. The Good Kid is honest, kind, respectful, loyal, and always does the right thing. A lot of people want to have The Good Kid as their friend, but The Good Kid prefers hanging out with other Good Kids who know how to stay out of trouble.
The Genius: Every Type-A, over achieving parent wants the next Bill Gates as his or her son or daughter. From day one this child is, “Way off the charts!” The Genius could skip Kindergarten, but attends purely for social reasons. Then straight to a gifted program where his parents, aunts and uncles before him had once been placed because he comes from a long line of Geniuses. In extreme cases, Junior is forced to graduate from high school early and head off to an Ivy League college where he eventually enrolls in medical or law school, depending on which field mom and dad push the hardest. The Genius may have one friend—usually someone mom and dad use as a means of measuring junior’s accomplishments.
The Green Kid: As a lover of all things Green, this Earth hugging child may solve the energy crisis, or may simply prefer saving one tree at a time. Regardless, the Green Movement is mom and dad’s favorite trendy pastime, and what better way to advertise it than with The Green Kid. The parents of The Green Kid gladly drive their gas guzzling pick-up trucks or SUVs to and from whole foods stores every day where they buy “organic” food for their family. And as long as they are seen by all the right people, it’s worth the emissions!
The Missionary: To some, this child may seem to fit into the Good Kid category because of his willingness to try converting anyone to follow the religious beliefs of his parents. But the Missionary lacks a few, key Good-Kid qualities, such as accepting others for their cultural and religious diversities. The Missionary doesn’t need to fully understand what he is preaching, because he trusts his parents to teach him everything he needs to know. The Missionary may be steered into befriending kids from other categories, but only with his parents’ permission when it benefits the family’s social status.
The Popular Kid: Here is a child who dons the same as-seen-in-People-Magazine fashion as celebrity kids. Style and humor are nurtured and rewarded by the parents who raise these little, trend-setters. The parents of The Popular Kid are friends, not parents. And the one rule in the house is to be cute and “sweet” at all times. The Popular Kid has at least three dozen “best friends” whom The Popular Kid uses verbal bullying tactics to gain power over. The Popular Kid pretends to be a Good Kid only when absolutely necessary (to kiss up to other not-so-sure parents, to talk Daddy into purchasing extremely expensive and dispensable toys, etc.). The Popular Kid only is seen with other Popular Kids. Oh, and the parents of The Popular Kid were either Popular Kids themselves, or very bitter Good Kids trying to live vicariously through their Popular Kid.
The Party Kid: One might ask, “Who is raising who?” The Party Kid does not have rules or limitations. The Party Kid is free to do anything at any time, day or night. The Party Kid is treated as though he or she is a roommate. Authority is not to be taken seriously by anyone because the parents are emotionally detached and non-authoritative. The Party Kid is over exposed to addictive behaviors, TV, video games, and violence that would be too much for most adults to handle. Over time the desensitized nature of The Party Kid is described by friends as, “Cool, laid-back and unaffected.” The Party Kid is either a child of another Party Kid or a rebelling Missionary. The parents of The Party Kid want their child to live life to its fullest, and to provide many grandchildren—anything to stay forever young.
The Super Star: The only difference between the future, professional athlete and the future Broadway actor is one holds a mini-football as a baby and the other, a mini-microphone. The Super Star is trained to be the best at whatever it is mom or dad had once dreamed of becoming. The parents of The Super Star heavily invest time and money into raising a record breaker. Super Stars do not have time for a social life. Super Stars are friends with other Super Stars—their competitors—because they spend all of their time together. The Super Star often is terrified of failing because he thinks his parents may not love him if he turns out to be mediocre.
Pushy Parents There, Pushy Parents Here, Pushy Parents in the Mirror
Now, out of fairness, I get to share my own humbling experience with this self-awareness exercise. My husband and I initially approached parenthood coming from VERY different backgrounds. Without ever discussing it, we somehow dove into parenting with the same primary goal of raising The Good Kids. We have always encouraged them to use their manners, to be respectful and kind, to talk about their feelings and think about the feelings of others. We reward good behavior and have consequences for bad behavior. And as a result our children are turning out to be pretty good kids… thus far.
Then, not too long ago, we had been notified by the school district that our eldest had been accepted into a gifted program. How quickly we had become proud parents! In fact, we were ecstatic. We had begun telling her how smart she is and telling others how she’s always been, “Way off the charts.” I think on one occasion, I even asked her if she was planning on becoming a doctor when she grows up. Yes… I know! We had become the annoying parents who were hoping to have the next Bill Gates as their child, a.k.a., The Genius Kid.
After our daughter had been in the gifted program for a few months, we soon realized she is surrounded by all kinds of precocious Genius Kids. We have spent most of this school year trying to teach her that being smart does not mean she is perfect. Yet, in her class there is a lot of pressure and competitiveness—something other students were programmed for since birth, yet something she was not at all accustomed to. Our goal for our daughter had been drifting off course, yet we have never wanted her to become a walking computer. Fortunately we looked at our hideous selves and redirected our primary goal for all of our children back to The Good Kid category. After all, would we rather have a robotic Genius Kid or a gifted Good Kid who earns the privilege of one day fulfilling her own dream?
Behind the Hidden Agendas
I am not a parenting expert, nor am I a child psychologist, but I think it’s safe to say most parents raise children in a specific category because it may lead to their definition of success. Or maybe the force fitting is purely out of fear or uncertainty about the future. I think for many parents it’s as simple as doing the opposite of what their parents did. For others, the rationale behind paving a one-way course for a child could be an effort to live vicariously through the child, or worse, filling a void one or both parents have not yet dealt with. Regardless, it’s worth the research. Bottom line is, when it comes to raising a child, every parent has a very personal agenda—whether or not they are willing to admit it is an entirely separate story.
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Links to Parenting Articles and Resources:
Blame It on Mr. Rogers
http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB118358476840657463.html
Why Being Less Protective Is Better for Your Kids
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=18915188
Raising Respectful Children
http://www.pbs.org/parents/inclusivecommunities/differences.html
PBS Kids
http://www.pbs.org/parents/
Mayo Clinic
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/HealthyLivingIndex/HealthyLivingIndex
