I used to think pushy parents were reserved for raising beauty pageant kids or spelling bee champions. Nowadays it seems all parents are pretty hyper-particular when it comes to force fitting their children into certain categories—and the good kid isn’t always what they’re aiming for.

Dissecting the parenting tendencies within your family, social circles, school, neighborhood, work, and religious groups, makes it pretty obvious how differently people are raising their children. Common parenting goals aren’t always shared amongst the closest of acquaintances. Some parents don’t even realize which category they’re nudging their children into until way too far down the road (take, for example, the regretful parent of The Party Kid). Other parents knowingly have one prominent goal for their child—and go to great lengths to ensure the child grows up to be exactly whom they envision (think, super controlling stage parents). Then there are the parents who start with one goal for their child, and re-route him or her down a different path each time a new social trend comes along, (a.k.a., the parents of The Green Kid or The Missionary).

To better explain this purely entertaining and hypothetical exercise, let’s take a gander at a few categories into which some kids are unknowingly being steered:

The Good Kid: Most recently borrowed from the Baby Boomer Generation and all generations before it, the goal of raising The Good Kid used to be the norm. The Good Kid treats everyone the same, from every walk of life. The Good Kid uses proper etiquette with strangers, and has a conscience. The Good Kid is honest, kind, respectful, loyal, and always does the right thing. A lot of people want to have The Good Kid as their friend, but The Good Kid prefers hanging out with other Good Kids who know how to stay out of trouble.

The Genius: Every Type-A, over achieving parent wants the next Bill Gates as his or her son or daughter. From day one this child is, “Way off the charts!” The Genius could skip Kindergarten, but attends purely for social reasons. Then straight to a gifted program where his parents, aunts and uncles before him had once been placed because he comes from a long line of Geniuses. In extreme cases, Junior is forced to graduate from high school early and head off to an Ivy League college where he eventually enrolls in medical or law school, depending on which field mom and dad push the hardest. The Genius may have one friend—usually someone mom and dad use as a means of measuring  junior’s accomplishments.

The Green Kid: As a lover of all things Green, this Earth hugging child may solve the energy crisis, or may simply prefer saving one tree at a time. Regardless, the Green Movement is mom and dad’s favorite trendy pastime, and what better way to advertise it than with The Green Kid. The parents of The Green Kid gladly drive their gas guzzling pick-up trucks or SUVs to and from whole foods stores every day where they buy “organic” food for their family. And as long as they are seen by all the right people, it’s worth the emissions!

The Missionary: To some, this child may seem to fit into the Good Kid category because of his willingness to try converting anyone to follow the religious beliefs of his parents. But the Missionary lacks a few, key Good-Kid qualities, such as accepting others for their cultural and religious diversities. The Missionary doesn’t need to fully understand what he is preaching, because he trusts his parents to teach him everything he needs to know. The Missionary may be steered into befriending kids from other categories, but only with his parents’ permission when it benefits the family’s social status.

The Popular Kid: Here is a child who dons the same as-seen-in-People-Magazine fashion as celebrity kids. Style and humor are nurtured and rewarded by the parents who raise these little, trend-setters. The parents of The Popular Kid are friends, not parents. And the one rule in the house is to be cute and “sweet” at all times. The Popular Kid has at least three dozen “best friends” whom The Popular Kid uses verbal bullying tactics to gain power over. The Popular Kid pretends to be a Good Kid only when absolutely necessary (to kiss up to other not-so-sure parents, to talk Daddy into purchasing extremely expensive and dispensable toys, etc.). The Popular Kid only is seen with other Popular Kids. Oh, and the parents of The Popular Kid were either Popular Kids themselves, or very bitter Good Kids trying to live vicariously through their Popular Kid.

The Party Kid: One might ask, “Who is raising who?” The Party Kid does not have rules or limitations. The Party Kid is free to do anything at any time, day or night. The Party Kid is treated as though he or she is a roommate. Authority is not to be taken seriously by anyone because the parents are emotionally detached and non-authoritative. The Party Kid is over exposed to addictive behaviors, TV, video games, and violence that would be too much for most adults to handle. Over time the desensitized nature of The Party Kid is described by friends as, “Cool, laid-back and unaffected.” The Party Kid is either a child of another Party Kid or a rebelling Missionary. The parents of The Party Kid want their child to live life to its fullest, and to provide many grandchildren—anything to stay forever young.

The Super Star: The only difference between the future, professional athlete and the future Broadway actor is one holds a mini-football as a baby and the other, a mini-microphone. The Super Star is trained to be the best at whatever it is mom or dad had once dreamed of becoming. The parents of The Super Star heavily invest time and money into raising a record breaker. Super Stars do not have time for a social life. Super Stars are friends with other Super Stars—their competitors—because they spend all of their time together. The Super Star often is terrified of failing because he thinks his parents may not love him if he turns out to be mediocre.

Pushy Parents There, Pushy Parents Here, Pushy Parents in the Mirror

Now, out of fairness, I get to share my own humbling experience with this self-awareness exercise. My husband and I initially approached parenthood coming from VERY different backgrounds. Without ever discussing it, we somehow dove into parenting with the same primary goal of raising The Good Kids. We have always encouraged them to use their manners, to be respectful and kind, to talk about their feelings and think about the feelings of others. We reward good behavior and have consequences for bad behavior. And as a result our children are turning out to be pretty good kids… thus far.

Then, not too long ago, we had been notified by the school district that our eldest had been accepted into a gifted program. How quickly we had become proud parents! In fact, we were ecstatic. We had begun telling her how smart she is and telling others how she’s always been, “Way off the charts.” I think on one occasion, I even asked her if she was planning on becoming a doctor when she grows up. Yes… I know! We had become the annoying parents who were hoping to have the next Bill Gates as their child, a.k.a., The Genius Kid.

After our daughter had been in the gifted program for a few months, we soon realized she is surrounded by all kinds of precocious Genius Kids. We have spent most of this school year trying to teach her that being smart does not mean she is perfect. Yet, in her class there is a lot of pressure and competitiveness—something other students were programmed for since birth, yet something she was not at all accustomed to. Our goal for our daughter had been drifting off course, yet we have never wanted her to become a walking computer. Fortunately we looked at our hideous selves and redirected our primary goal for all of our children back to The Good Kid category. After all, would we rather have a robotic Genius Kid or a gifted Good Kid who earns the privilege of one day fulfilling her own dream?

Behind the Hidden Agendas

I am not a parenting expert, nor am I a child psychologist, but I think it’s safe to say most parents raise children in a specific category because it may lead to their definition of success. Or maybe the force fitting is purely out of fear or uncertainty about the future. I think for many parents it’s as simple as doing the opposite of what their parents did. For others, the rationale behind paving a one-way course for a child could be an effort to live vicariously through the child, or worse, filling a void one or both parents have not yet dealt with. Regardless, it’s worth the research. Bottom line is, when it comes to raising a child, every parent has a very personal agenda—whether or not they are willing to admit it is an entirely separate story.

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Links to Parenting Articles and Resources:

Blame It on Mr. Rogers
http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB118358476840657463.html

Why Being Less Protective Is Better for Your Kids
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=18915188

Raising Respectful Children
http://www.pbs.org/parents/inclusivecommunities/differences.html

MSN
http://lifestyle.msn.com

PBS Kids
http://www.pbs.org/parents/

Mayo Clinic
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/HealthyLivingIndex/HealthyLivingIndex

I don’t believe I am the only woman in the world who has wondered what guys get out of playing video games. Almost my entire life, I have had very little respect for the pastime as well as for the people who participate. I have walked away from many a player, shaking my head in disbelief truly convinced these weirdos had major issues. I inevitably learned to love a man who—perhaps five times a year—would escape to play pretend football or basketball. On the other hand, I hardly learned to stomach the games, as the entire phenomenon was something I had no intention of embracing. For years I have ridiculed grown men for playing Doom and Halo and I have openly judged many a parent for allowing their children to play video games, blaming the technology for the global Attention Deficit Disorder epidemic. I have preached to anyone willing to listen to me, that video games are single-handedly responsible for turning society into overweight, lazy, and desensitized, couch potatoes stripped of any social skills whatsoever. Throughout my seven years of marriage I have oft referred to my husband as a “vidhead” and have whined until blue in the face when he would choose a game of Madden NFL rather than time with me. I have complained. I have belittled. Yep, most of my life I have pined for a video-game-free world. And then along came the Nintendo(R) Wii(TM).

Not since the days of Atari had I spent any significant amount of time playing video games. In the 1980s I thoroughly enjoyed Frogger with its joystick-controlled, enlarged pixel-shaped frogs and simple theme song complete with hopping and splatting sound effects. From my family’s 2-inch, cable-free TV box, I would play against my older brother who would beat me day after day, but I put up with it because it was fun. My parents loved that we were out of their way and not killing each other—in real life that is. We didn’t have Pac-Man, which was my favorite game, but I would play that one on a huge, arcade-style machine at Pizza Hut during birthday parties. I loved the chomping sounds, the lights, the shapes and the levels. For perhaps a year, to girls and boys everywhere, video games were everything. I loved all the discussions, the hype and the pop culture that went with it. But similar to Michael Jackson’s moonwalk, by the time I had mastered Atari—it just wasn’t cool anymore.

By middle school video games and their operating systems graduated to more advanced graphics and realistic subject matter. Meanwhile, I discovered boys. A gigantic, never ending video game in and of itself, the pursuit of boys came complete with soundtracks, point systems and levels of nemeses—all in an effort to make me lose or quit every game out of sheer frustration. My friends and I would chase boys while the boys would chase Super Mario or other lame, fictitious video characters they thought were cooler than girls. At about that age I had developed quite an aversion to video games simply because they took attention away from me. And that distaste for such—in my priceless opinion—a boyish hobby, significantly worsened as I neared adulthood.

Geeks Come in All Shapes and Sizes

Then a few months ago, for my husband’s birthday, out of complete desperation as well as temporary insanity, I had decided to surprise him with a Wii. He had been researching the thing for a while and I figured, “Hey, it must be something cool enough for him to mention it a million times a week. Perhaps I should take the buzzing as a hint.” One random Friday, I walked into Target, approached the electronics department vidhead and said, “I’d like to buy a Wii. Could you please tell me what one looks like?” The kid had the nerve to snicker at me when he answered, “You’ll have to come back Sunday morning when we get our next shipment. The doors open at 8.” I walked away, so cool and so above all the Wii knowledge, as I told him I would go somewhere else to buy one as I was in a hurry. He kindly informed me I would need to get in line Sunday morning, hours in advance, because the Wii was sold out EVERYWHERE. I actually said this, “Oh. The Wii must be pretty in-demand since it just came out. Nintendo must have done a great job marketing it.” Pathetic and lame, all at the same time! I could almost hear him making fun of me in his head as I walked away practically stumbling on the tail between my legs.

Two days later, while my husband soundly slept, my father and I made the ridiculous mission to Target at 6 a.m. In my mind there were two options: Either I was going to be the first and only person there and would be labeled a complete and total geek the rest of my life, or I would be the 100th person there with 99 geeky teenage boys pointing and laughing at me while I approached the Wii line from hell. Wrong. I was number 15 behind 14 respectable moms and dads free of pimples and black T-shirts. “Wait?” I asked one of the other Miis, “Is this the line for the Wii?” Then a kind Target employee handed me one of 80 tickets which guaranteed I would get a Wii without having to participate in an as-seen-on-TV stampede. “Let’s see the ticket!” I heard from a distance. I glanced up with the ticket in hand and “click” my dad took a picture. I threatened, “You dare not show that picture to a single person or I will never hear the end of it!”

Hours later the husband got his wish. Nope… my parents were still in town, but his precious little Wii was hooked up. He was impressed I had bonded with the people in the Wii line well enough to find out which accessories I needed, how many to purchase and that “numchuck” was actually “nunchuck.” Then it happened. Somehow while I was hiding out upstairs, probably writing an article on “How to Tactfully Discuss Generational Differences in Parenting with Your Parents,” I overheard my husband and my father yelling, cheering and laughing together. I tip-toed my way to the top of the stairs and witnessed the two men playing virtual golf. “Great!” I yelled down. “Now my dad’s turned into a vidhead!”

I hesitantly joined the family solely for the purpose of obtaining hideous videotape footage of grownups making complete fools of themselves whilst playing video games. Soon my husband demonstrated to our children how to pretend bowl. I stood with arms folded and rolled my eyes. My eldest reminded her daddy, “My brain will turn to mush if I play this thing!” Then she got a spare and jumped for joy. My concern had reached new heights when my dad had asked my mom to try bowling and she gave in without a fight. I sadly watched her as though she was my last hope for a video-game-free world. I wanted to jump in front of her in slow motion and block the TV in an attempt to save her and yell, “No! Don’t do it, mom! There’s no turning back!” Faster than I could say gutter ball, the little woman raised her remote at the end of a perfect lunge, and there it was… a STRIKE! My mom followed that up with the most amazing victory dance I had ever seen from a sixty something grandmother of 12! Purely to make a point and put an end to the painful immaturity, I hip-checked my husband and stole his remote, “Move over Munson, let the Kingpin show you how it’s done.” I aloofly dropped a curve ball and with one eye shut I somewhat watched the ball move toward the pins. I pretended not to care about the score as I walked away. But somehow out of nowhere I had gotten an indescribable yet familiar adrenaline rush. Then I remembered it. And boy, did it feel good.

Within the first few weeks of owning a Wii, I played with the same enthusiasm as the days of Frogger and Pack-Man. My husband and I created our own Miis—characters who compete against each other in Wii games—which made the games even more engaging. Our children began requesting family bowling nights. And weekend movie nights, which had typically involved very little interaction or conversation, were replaced with mommy and daddy Wii tennis matches and golf outings. On one occasion a Wii boxing match turned into a perfect therapy session, complete with a knockout. And I won. The next day when I told my husband I would need a few days off from the Wii to rest my overstrained muscles from the “therapeutic boxing” he giggled and asked, “Now who’s the vidhead?” In my best-ever “Rocky” impersonation I raised my arms high in agreement and hung my head low. Then I asked my husband if he could find it in his heart to forgive me for all the years he had to listen to the ridicule, name calling and whining when he would play Madden NFL. I explained that most of my life I never understood the appeal of video games or the people who played them. But for the first time in a long time, I had become a kid again when I played the Wii. My husband agreed that it was a side of me he had never before seen. “Better late than never,” I said. “I sure am glad we got a Wii.”

My mother was a macramé junky. My first memories of it take me back to sitting on the family room couch—a brown sectional, decorated with homemade turquoise dishtowel, throw pillows and an orange afghan—where I would watch my mother create knotted thingies with interestingly colored ropes and wooden beads. Hanging from hooks around the room were many similar, knotty objects, holding enormous hair-like plants. Underneath the coveted swag light—perhaps providing the best mood for tying knots—my mother would take an occasional break for a sip of Tab—her favorite saccharine-sweetened carbonated beverage. On sunny days the ritual would take place outside where my cleavage-hoop-bikini donned mom, coated in baby oil, would lie for hours on a sunbathing bed of aluminum foil and tie away! Day after day during my childhood, I either chased down cars in the street on my Big Wheel unsupervised, or watched that woman make her creations hoping I would one day understand the madness of her obsession.

Umpteen years later, my mom hesitantly replaced her macramé thingies with several extremely polished brass thingies. Meanwhile, I was far away from home and traded in my professional shoes for stay-at-home mommy and freelancer flip-flops. Motherhood had thrown me into a world of mom-specific social groups, with an introduction to a plethora of new, perfect-for-every-mom hobbies such as, stamping and the most popular hobby of choice: Scrapbooking. I quickly learned that in order to fit in at this new school, I needed to take a break from my writing, drawing, hiking, photography and family time, and try what others called, “A real hobby.” After being invited to dozens of acquaintance-hosted scrapbooking parties and repeatedly RSVPing, “No, thank you,” I had decided to set my intuition aside and accept an invitation.
 
I had prepared myself for my very first scrapbook-themed party by gathering the necessary number of special photographs and items I was told to bring for the purpose of creating a sample page of family memories. My irreplaceable treasures in hand, I fashionably arrived five minutes late. Assuming I would not have missed a thing, I took my time and dropped my daughter off at the designated child care room. Then I made my way to the scrapbooking room where I witnessed a horrific display of absolute chaos. I could barely tell, but there were tables set up everywhere. Masses of moms, resembling worker ants, were frantically cutting, folding and pasting their priceless memories onto gaudy cardstock complete with matching binders. I paused for a second, and wondered if I was in the middle of a nightmare where moms my age were partaking in an underground ritual which resembled the macramé madness of my childhood. When I realized my friend, the hostess of the party, was there and had actually asked me to pay an entrance fee, I waited for her to tell me I was being Punk’d. I could not have been that lucky! I paid my non-refundable fee and found an open chair where I sat and observed.

Scrapbooking Junkies: Beware of Salsa, Poor Posture and Wide Thighs

For hours, women compared stencils, ticket stubs and overly priced photo albums while working their hands as though they lived in a world where sitting was an exercise and carpel tunnel never existed. The routine appeared meaningless enough to some participants that they could have had their eyes closed. They took breaks from the activity to sip Diet Pepsi or chomp chips with salsa—which in and of itself, made me nervous knowing how much money and memories could have been stained by one drop of salsa. My breaking point had finally occurred when I overheard one woman proudly exclaim that her family’s vacations had been chosen based on which activities provided the best scrapbook fodder. Others laughed and nodded in agreement. With that I escaped to the childcare room, picked up my daughter and ran for the door with my priceless photos intact.
 
While the scrapbooking party haunted me for a few years, it had made me better equipped in social settings to steer clear from the subject of hobbies when I would first meet a woman. Within five minutes of an introduction I had learned to look out for token phrases from true scrapbooking addicts, such as, “Do you scrapbook?” or “Boy, I sure love scrapbooking!” Then I would slowly walk backward to appear busy or late for a doctor appointment, all in an effort to avoid the pressure or an invitation to be guilted into paging through another family’s memory book.

A Little, Yet Enough to Remember

Not certain if my humor had translated into calloused sarcasm, I further explained to the moms that I had turned out fine despite the fact my mother had never made a single scrapbook detailing every waking monotonous minute of my life. And regardless of the peer pressure and examples of gorgeous baby books thrown at the moms’ faces, they would not need to prove their love for their children based on how expensively they preserved their children’s memories. I had shared with the moms what my mom had given me—one weathered, pleather-bound, jam-packed photo album—free of fluffy page themes and decorations—yet filled with cherished pictures taken during the first half of my life. The book had most likely been dirt cheap and thrown together over time, but it was something I had grown to treasure and respect each passing year. None of the photos had been staged, corrected or cropped, instead they randomly captured fond memories which reminded me of the best parts of my childhood—family, friends, pets, birthdays, holidays past, and of course, those macramé thingies hanging from the ceiling.  

While taking time off from freelance writing I will be sharing my personal accounts about the world, with the world. My little take on life will surprise those who think they know me and amuse those who really know me. My personal goal with this blog is to honestly write about the real stuff, the little stuff and the simple stuff–the flipside of all the advertising, marketing and public relations fluff. A writer gets paid to concoct whatever it takes to help a company make money. A blogger gets pleasure out of the possibility one reader may change his way of looking at life.